Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)

Part of taking responsibility or ownership, is knowing what is our job and what isn’t. (pg 25)

Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t. (pg 25)

You need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries. (pg 37)

When God said that even in his perfect new universe, it wasn’t “good for the man to be alone” (Gen 2:18), he wasn’t talking about marriage. He was talking about relationship. (pg 64)

This is a crucial point. We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone. (pg 111)

For marriage to work, the spouse needs to loosen her ties with her family of origin and forge new ones with the new family she is creating through marriage. This does not mean that husbands and wives shouldn’t have a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with the family of origin, and the spouse and children get leftovers. (pg 125)

The periodic bailouts from his parents cut into Terry’s self-respect. And Sherry felt as if she couldn’t spend any money without consulting her in-laws, since they contributed the funds. (pg 126)

“Children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children” (2 Cor. 12:14) (pg 129)

Indeed the Bible teaches that adult children should take care of their elderly parents. “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God” (1 Tim. 5:3-4). It is good to feel grateful to our parents and to repay them for what they have done for us. (pg 129)

Let’s define friendship as a non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function-based. In other words, let’s exclude relationships based on a common task, like work or ministry. Let’s look at friendship as comprising people we want to be around just for their own sake. (pg 137)

The key here is that the other person is not responsible for our limits; we are. Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful. (pg 155)

When you need time away, tell your spouse (pg 159)

The Proverbs 31 wife has a life of her own; she is out doing many things. The same is true of her husband. They have their own time for doing what they like and for seeing their own friends. Many couples have trouble with this aspect of marriage. They feel abandoned when their spouse wants time apart. In reality, spouses need time apart, which makes them realize the need to be back together. Spouses in healthy relationships cherish each other’s space and are champions of each other’s causes. (pg 160)