Why Men Hate Going To Church (David Murrow)

from an email February 2006

Truth is, the modern church is not designed to do what Jesus did: reach men with the good news. (pg viii)

You cannot have a thriving church without a core of men who are true followers of Christ. (pg 8)

Dream for a moment. What would church be like if the majority of the worshippers were men? Not just males taking up pew space, but strong, earthy men who were truly alive in Christ. Men who were there not just to please their wives, to fulfill religious tradition, or to go on a power trip, but men who were there to rock their world. Can you even imagine what that would feel like? Imagine what such a church could accomplish for the kingdom of God! Impossible you say? Just read the book of Acts. The church was like this once; it can be so again. (pg 9)

This book is not a perfect plan to bring men back. Rather, I hope it is the match that ignites thousands of conversations and millions of prayers about a problem we’ve ignored far too long. (pg 10)

God made men for adventure, achievement, and challenge, and if they can’t find those things in church, they’re going to find them somewhere else. (pg 11)

Women are the target audience of today’s church... culture of today’s churches [is] a culture that values safety over risk, stability over change, preservation over expansion, and predictability over adventure. (pg 14)

Studies show that men and young adults tend to be challenge oriented. (pg 18)

Now try this on: be dangerous. What if that were our message to men? If churchgoing held the prospect of risk, adventure, and daring, you’d have an abundance of men, teenagers, and young adults signing up. That’s precisely what we find in the persecuted church today. It was also the situation in the early church when Christians were routinely stoned, beaten, or fed to hungry lions. When it’s dangerous to be a Christian, men are more likely to count themselves in. (pg 21)

Every congregation needs a generous helping of both the feminine spirit and the masculine spirit. You see this balance in the churches that are growing today. A masculine concern for quality, effectiveness, and achievement pervades everything they do. Yet they are supportive, nurturing, and tender with people. (pg 25)

Challenge can’t come just from the pulpit. (pg 33)

We can preach and teach until we are hoarse, but men will not mature in Christ until we rediscover discipleship...A number of America’s most dynamic churches are discipleship based. Every member is expected to be a part of a discipleship group, and participation runs 70 to 90 percent. Seek out these churches, and observe their model. (pg 35)

So how can we make men feel needed again?
TELL THEM! Do they know how important they are? (pg 40)

The church and the Titanic have something in common: it’s women and children first. The great majority of ministry in Protestant churches is focused on children, next on women, and then, if there are any resources left, on men.
What’s wrong with the women-and-children-first focus of today’s church? After all, men aren’t very interested. Why should Christians knock themselves out to minister to men? Simple. Because Jesus did. Jesus did not focus His ministry on children, or women for that matter. Jesus’ approach was men first.
I know I lost a lot of you with that last sentence. Some of you may have thrown the book across the room. Before World War III breaks out, let me say that Jesus loved women and children. He welcomed women and children. He blessed women and children. He made it clear that they were equal in every way to men – perhaps even greater than men (“whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” [Matthew 18:4]). Women were among His most faithful followers; children were among His greatest joys.
But Jesus did not focus His ministry on women and children. Nor did He command us to. His example is clear; if we want to change the world, we must focus on men. Not to the exclusion of women and children – however, the spiritual development of men must become our top priority. (pg 43)

Here’s an oft-quoted statistic in men’s ministry circles: when a mother comes to faith in Christ, the rest of her family follows 17 percent of the time. But when a father comes to faith in Christ, the rest of the family follows 93 percent of the time. (pg 47)

John Eldredge reminds us, “Christianity isn’t a religion about going to Sunday School, potluck suppers, being nice, holding car washes, sending our secondhand clothes off to Mexico – as good as those things might be. This is a world at war. Something large and immensely dangerous is unfolding all around us.” (pg 48)

Philip Yancey notes, “I have watched a pattern time and again: a church starts off with high ideals, generates aflurry of activity, and then gradually tempers its vision, settling for something far less than ideal.” Women stay loyal because of the relationships they’ve developed, but the less relational men fall away. Men need vision – not just relationships – to stay motivated in church. (pg 56)

Men don’t follow programs; they follow men. The movies men love often feature an inspirational coach, commander, or teacher. Men are dying for a leader. Every man, regardless of his age, needs another man to look up to and say in his heart, “I want to be like him”. (pg 59)

Howard Hendricks of Dallas Theological Seminary sees two kinds of people in the church: the pillars and the caterpillars,. The pillars uphold the church with their prayers, their work, and their donations. They build the kingdom of God by the sweat of their brows. The caterpillars crawl in on Sunday morning, sing a few songs, listen to a sermon, and crawl out again, not to be seen for a week. (pg 64)

In other words, there are between 11 million and 13 million more born again women than there are born again men in the country. (pg 66)

Women are doing the leg work of evangelism today and fulfilling the Great Commission while men sit on the sidelines. (pg 66)

This may be the hidden tragedy of the gender gap: without men shouldering their share of the ministry load, women are feeling trapped, overworked, and underappreciated. (pg 69)

Men want to devote themselves to something that’s effective, not something that’s going to make them busy. Men are achievement oriented and have little tolerance for a team that always plays defence and never plays offense. (pg 72)

So how can a church attract risk takers? By taking risks! Pursue outrageous, God-given visions. Develop ministries that are dangerous. Send people on foreign mission adventures. Tell the stories of men who jeopardized everything for Christ. Start with the stories of the martyrs. Scores die every day for Christ, yet their stories are rarely told in Western churches. (pg 75)

A growing church is a risk-taking church. (pg 76)

Church services aren’t much fun. They’re usually very serious affairs. Laymen who try to liven up the service with humorous announcements or silly skits might draw a stern rebuke or an angry letter from a longtime member. (pg 76)

We need dangerous men in the church. Jesus attracted dangerous men. (pg 77)

Men are not able to check their testosterone at the church door. (pg 82)

How can we help men? Create friendly, physical competition for men and boys. Next time you’re planning a conference or retreat, be sure to include lots of physical movement and activity. Go beyond standing and sitting for singing. Let men move around. They’ll love you for it. (pg 83)

A boy may attend church his entire life and never have a male teacher. (pg 91)

When stressed, women run to community, but men isolate themselves. (pg 92)

A church that wants to involve men will offer more project-based ministry opportunities. Projects have a clear objective and an exit point. They’re exciting to men. They also involve the four elements of male engagement: plan, work, celebrate, rest. (pg 94)

Men have an easier time finding God outdoors. If you want to reach men, move as much of your church’s ministry as possible outdoors. (pg 95)

Warfare is still imprinted on the male psyche. (pg 96)

“The Christian faith is in no way pacifistic. The peace that will be ushered in by our great Prince will be a peace purchased with blood. As our Lord sacrificed Himself in this war, so much His followers learn to do.” Douglas Wilson (pg 96)

Did Christ intend for men to give up their masculinity to follow Him? Is giving up one’s manhood part of the cost of following Jesus Christ? No, and no again! Christ did not come to make men more feminine; He came to restore them to real manhood. (pg 111)

I’m convinced that there are a million unchurched men who would attend a worship service this weekend if they just didn’t have to sing. (pg 116)

Rick Warren points out that visitors actually hate all this attention: “Ironically, the way many churches welcome visitors actually makes them feel more uncomfortable than if they’d just been left alone ... one reason large churches attract so many visitors is because newcomers like being able to hide in a crowd.” (pg 117)

Pastors, Christians teachers, and even Christian books feed this rivalry by inviting women to imagine themselves married to Jesus. Woman readers, if you imagine your relationship with Jesus as a rapturous love affair, I must warn you: you are on dangerous ground for two reason: (1) You are not the bride of Christ. According to the Bible, there is only one bride of Christ: the church (all believers collectively throughout time and throughout the world). Individual believers are not brides of Christ. (2) Your husband will never measure up to your fantasy. He cannot satisfy you if you harbour an image of Christ as your lover or husband. (pg 121)

By keeping out-of-date traditions alive, we may be unintentionally driving men away. (pg 126)

Men love technology.... Why is it important to embrace new technologies in church? George Barna reports that among those under fifty, “Information conveyed through the use of technology often has a higher degree of believability than does information coming directly out of a speaker’s mouth.” Younger men will believe what they see on a screen more readily than what they hear from a live person. Churches that want to reach men are using the Internet. Men want information before they commit to something, and a user-friendly Web site allows visitors to check out a church from a safe distance. Many of these sites offer sermon downloads (text, audio, and streaming video), places for members to connect, contact information, activity calendars, and extensive information on ministry offerings. (pg 127)

Your church doesn’t necessarily need to put a computer in every pew, but it shouldn’t run from technology either. Technology is neither good nor evil; it is merely a tool that can help men (and women) understand the gospel. (pg 128)

When men think of church, excellence and quality are often the last two words that come to mind. (pg 128)

A church that really cares for tone-deaf Tanya will gently direct her away from the choir into an area where she’s more gifted. (pg 129)

Christ has become, as John Eldredge put is, “Mister Rogers with a beard. Telling me to be like him feels like telling me to go limp and passive. Be nice. Be swell. Be like Mother Teresa.” Christians have just accepted the nonmasculine Jesus (pg 133)

Liberal churches have re-created Christ as a benevolent Teacher who is always gentle, tender, and accepting. This Christ would never offend anyone, never judge anyone, and of course, never send anyone to hell. If this Christ were a radio station, His slogan would be “all tenderness, all the time”. There are two problems with this view of Jesus: (1) it’s not accurate, and (2) no man wants to follow a feminized man. Men are looking for a real man to follow: dynamic, outspoken, bold, sharp-edged. They want a leader who is decisive, tough and fair. (pg 134)

Jesus Christ is the most courageous, masculine man ever to walk the earth. But we’ve turned Him into a wimp. (pg 135)

Use term FOLLOW not saved, don’t use “sharing”, use KINGDOM of God not family of God,

Then we have the ever-popular “intimacy with God”. When men hear the word intimacy, the first thing that comes to mind is sex. Those dirty-minded guys! But guess what? Whenever the words passionate and intimate appear in the Bible, they always refer to sex or lust. More than once, I’ve been exhorted by a prominent men’s minister to “have a love affair with Jesus.” Time out! With the spotlight on homosexuality in the church, why do we increase men’s doubts by using the language of romance to describe the Christian walk? (pg 137)

Why are Christians always going on retreats? What kind of army is always retreating? Why don’t we advance now and then? (pg 138)

Compare these 2 hymns:


Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war, VS
With the cross of Jesus going on before.
Christ the royal Master, leads against the foe;
Forward into battle, see His banners go!

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own,
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.


He lists other contemporary songs with “Jesus I am so in love with you”, “You’re altogether lovely... altogether wonderful to me”, “Oh Lord, you’re beautiful” etc.

We can’t go back to “Onward Christian Soldiers”. But no one has composed masculine praise songs to take its place. Songwriters, please fashion some songs that speak of battle, strength, and victory. Imagine Christ as our Commander, Coach or Scout, not our Boyfriend. (pg 140)

Men’s ministry so of the falters for this simple reason: its actually women’s ministry for men. (pg 140)

Men are just as emotional as women; they just express themselves differently. So if a church welcomes feminine displays of emotion such as crying, hugging, and hand holding, it’s time to welcome masculine displays such as applause, shouts, fist pumping and high-fives. (pg 141)

Men are also reluctant to volunteer for ministry positions because they can’t act like men. Men take risks in ministry, which can earn them a rebuke. (pg 144)

If you want your church to attract men, you must put a high priority on developing leaders, especially male ones. (pg 151)

Churches need dynamic leaders at every level. The pastor can’t do it all, nor should he. (pg 155)

Whenever possible, put men in leadership positions (pg 156)

The fact is, women will follow a man, but few men will follow a woman unless they are forced. (pg 157)

Many people think the church asks too much of its members. In reality, it asks too little. (pg 161)

“People do not resent being asked for a great commitment if there is a great purpose behind it.” Rick Warren (pg 161)

There is a kind of high-octane man who will not follow unless he sees danger ahead. Jesus knew this. So did Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton, who posted this advertisement in 1913:
Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages. Bitter cold. Long months of complete darkness. Constant danger. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success.
More than five thousand men applied for twenty-six slots. Precisely the kind of men who are missing in today’s church! If we want aggressive, bold, greatness-seeking men, we must do what Jesus did and promise suffering, trial, and pain. But today’s Christianity is marketed like Tylenol; it’s the antidote to suffering, trial, and pain. We’ve turned Jesus’ approach on its head! (pg 162)

In a typical year, just one new person comes to faith in Christ for every eighty-five churchgoers. (pg 164)

Men want a pastor who is firm in his convictions (pg 170)

Let men learn through personal discovery (pg 175)

Make men think! (pg 175)

Let men learn by hands-on experience (pg 176)

Let men learn through object lessons (pg 176)

Men need dialogue, give-and-take, a chance to argue (pg 177)
“Men enjoy and value argumentation” (pg 177)

Men need simple, one-point lessons (and sermons) (pg 177)

It’s often more effective with men to make one point thrice than to make three points once. Pastors and teachers, why not break your teaching into smaller bits so men can more easily digest what you’re saying? Break your message into a five-minute Scripture lesson, a five-minute object lesson, and a ten-minute sermon with other elements in between. (pg 177)

Men need great stories (pg 179)

If we want our young men to be courageous followers of Christ, we must tell them stories of people following Christ courageously. We used to tell the stories of martyrs and missionaries to our boys. Now we don’t. Young men see Christianity as a religion, not an adventure. (pg 179)

The words “strong” and “strength” appear 561 times in the NKJV, while “weak” and “weakness” show up just 83 times. (pg 180)

The top 10 questions today’s men are asking:
1. What is true manliness?
2. What is success? The real bottom line of life?
3. How do I deal with guilt feelings?
4. What is male sexuality? Is purity possible for the modern man?
5. How can we nurture family life?
6. What is Christian leadership? How is it developed?
7. What are the basic disciplines of the Christian man?
8. What ministry skills need to be developed? How?
9. What is biblical business conduct?
10. What is integrity? How is it developed? (pg 181)

Man-friendly churches work hard to minimize dead space between proceedings. (pg 186)

It’s no sin to consider people’s feelings, but if you allow feelings to become the primary consideration when making decisions, you are following something other than Christ. (pg 194)

Here’s another example of the damaging [female] velvet veto (based on a true story): Eric planned a night of paintball for the church’s fledgling men’s group. But two prominent women heard about it and complained to the pastor. “How is paintball remotely Christian?” asked one woman. “It shows support for violence” said another. “What message are we sending to our boys?” The pastor knew a time bomb when he saw it. He asked Eric to find something else for the men to do. They met at the church and studied 1 Timothy. (pg 194)

The men who are watching you don’t care how saintly you are. They don’t care about your traditions. Nor do they care how busy for God you are. They want to know two things: (1) Does Christianity really work? And (2) Is it really the power of God unleashed on earth, or is it just religious activity? As men see the power of the Spirit working through your life, they will be drawn. (pg 200)

Pastors, I know you’ve heard it a million times, but here it is again: you are not the minister. Your people are. You are the coach. (pg 205)

Stagnant churches ask, “How can we minister to our people?” Life-giving churches ask, “How can our people change the world?” (pg 206)

Bruce Wilkinson says God’s people “are expected to attempt something large enough that failure is guaranteed ... unless God steps in.” (pg 206)

Nothing brings a man to church or to a ministry event like a personal invitation from a man he respects. (pg 210)

Men’s ministry provides guy-oriented events to which men can invite their unchurched friends (pg 210)

I used to build structures. Now I build men and raise up sons. (pg 218)